Bajo Fondo

Give me a second.  I'm trying to find the right words.  I want to articulate this properly and right now all my thoughts are spitting out, like an old-timey stock market ticker at a constant vomit.  Take a deep breath, one at a time now.

Today is the day I realized I don't want to win her back.  There's a sickness of the mind in her.  I've known it for quite some time now, but for some reason it hadn't matter until today.  I feel like I'm skirting a storm right now.

It feels better and better each day.  It's a full wind building in the sails, and I need to write down all the things that would be too brutal to say to her face; all the things on the tip of my tongue on the ticker tape.  Maybe brutal is the wrong word.

She always had an incredibly intricate way of projecting her feelings onto me.  Intricate, no... I'm having trouble with words today, see I told you.  She was always quite blunt about it.  She would tell me how I feel.  She would tell me what I thought and for a long time, before I realized, it was fucking confusing; fucking mind-fucking.

I didn't think I felt that way, but did i?  I didn't feel like those were my thoughts, but were they?  Was I really that oblivious?  More gullibility, but that fades, and all that's left is a fear of upsetting her.  What upsets her?  A difference of opinion, spirited disagreement, a counterpoint; that's why I tried not to give them.  Sometimes I would give one, and that's all it would take for the spiral to start, just a simple defense of myself, so I swallowed them instead most times.  It was always easier to agree with her.  Mind you, this is back when I still wanted to marry her.

It's self-destructive.  It's a defense mechanism.  It's as plain as day to me now, I just don't know how to tell her.  When I think about it logically, it's a simple question.  What's more logical?  That she's more in tuned with my thoughts and feelings than I am, or that she can't cope with her own negativity, her own fears and weaknesses so she pretends they're someone else's.  I wish I could tell her to replace "you" with "I" sometimes, to be open to that perspective and look inward to root out the problem instead of personifying it in someone else.

It sucks because she projected the good too.  And that's why I loved her so much.  Her smile warmed like the sun, and her drive was infectious, and to make her happy was the absolute best feeling in the entire world.  I wish it wasn't always so fleeting.

For both our sakes.