Monday, May 30, 2011

Handicaps


There're hairs on the keyboard.  Long, straight dainty ones, and it can only mean one thing.  You're thinking too much.  Take your foot off the gas, bring the needle out of the red, and for god's sake stop pulling out your hair.

But the strands, they keep descending in front of mine eyes. One by one and two by two, they float down from the hand that releases them.  An idle hand.  A hand with an agenda, as it twirls and pulls and twirls and pulls until it finds those crossed ends and flickers with delight so that the hair comes out at the folicle.  To be certain, there is no desire in my mind for this.  I like my hairs, I like the way they feel.  And so, why should I ever be rid of them? Because it is not my decision alone, I suppose.  There's a factor of division, and that decision lies on the other side, carried out by the tide on some sea of subconscious.  There's someone behind the veil, playing jacks with the wizard.  On the line: human hair.  And I'm paying the penance.  So why don't I just stop?  S-T-O-P.  I spell it out in my head, in a voice with bravado and a clenched jaw.  I look down at my hands, their fingers outstretched before me.  They coil at the joints and relax.  I've taken control again and they're waiting for instruction.  To the keyboard and the battle is won.  But I fear the war is far from over.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Pancake House

I want to open a pancake house on Pacific just north of Windward Circle. 

I was wandering, waiting to meet a girl.  First, I was in Mao’s for a menu to-go.  Then absent-minded aloofness took over and dragged me up Pacific to the corner before Aardvarks.   Daylight Savings Time hadn’t sprung forward yet, and it was pitch-black and hazy.  And through this haze, backlit by fluorescent lights, by white linoleum and thin, green grout, there was empty space.  Empty dining space for lease and just a few blocks north of Windward Circle; a shining beacon in the rain and the storm, surprisingly bright for how late it was.  I remember thinking back, only slightly, to days working for Dan at the Harbor CafĂ©.  His weekly warnings: “Dude, never start a small business.  It’s a lot of getting fucked, and then some making money on the side.”   He lives his own life, and a lot of times that life is work.  But when it’s not work, it’s this open and beckoning world all reasonably within his grasp.  To me, he seems free,  and that’s what I want to be.

And I love pancakes;  elephant pancakes, butterfly pancakes, peanut butter pancakes, pumpkin pancakes.  Everyone loves pancakes.  French girls adore les pancakes.  Hungry, drunk kids love pancakes.  Hung-over morning romances love pancakes.  Vegetarians love pancakes?  Maybe some do. 

And espresso;  the tiny macchiato cups, the wide cappuccino cups, lattes, mochas.  There’s that ever present scent of steamed milk and pressed coffee bean.  It lays thick and excited, in the air and on the tip of your lip, accenting speech and attitude.

It’s hard work, but it’s passionate and it’s motivated.  And it would be my own.  I want to open a pancake house on Pacific just north of Windward.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Don't Think Twice, It's All Right


"Aspen! 1985!"

What?  Matty stops cold in his tracks, and when I looked over at him in that moment there was a flash across his face, in his eyes and the way he caught his breath.  Recollection?  Eh, maybe.  Intrepidation?  Perhaps.    He was dreamy-eyed nostalgic, and only for a second before he about-faced just in time for the bear hug greeting from a man with a small metal-framed pack on his back and a weathered guitar that he had dropped at his side.  He took a step back and held Matty at arm's length, with a smile on his face.  And when he smiled it was sincere and excitable, and his eyes looked wildly into Matty's eyes.  We saw the man was no more a man than we were, probably younger even.  But his eyes were sharp, quick and analyzing and eager.  Matt looked back at him ghastly, his eyebrows raised, his mouth agape.  "I was conceived in Aspen in '87," he breathed out in a way so that he sounded far away when he said it.

The boy with the wild eyes ticked his head to the side and his beaming smile faltered.  Monster and I looked at each other with the same awkward grit-toothed, silly face at the same time, then at Matt, then at the boy uneasily slinking backwards a half-step at a time.

And on queue, we all burst into laughter.  Me in my rainbow flannel and my puffy trench coat.  Monster dressed from head to toe in black and holding a rainbow umbrella.  Matty in his multi-colored neon skiing onesie.  And the boy in his grease-stained pants and tattered red woven button-down.  There was a blue-and-white-striped conductor's hat on his head and feathers in his hair and he asked if he could play us a song.  Well, of course he could.

So he opened his guitar case, pulled out a beat-up six-string with a stained-wood face and played Don't Think Twice, It's All Right.  His fingers pressed down hard on the neck and they plucked with a twang from the five metal picks on his strummin' hand.  It flowed out like honey to the ears, so rich and sweet that when I closed my eyes it could've been Bob Dylan himself playing his guitar there next to me in the woods by Porter Meadow with the rain misting down all around us.  But it Bob wasn't singing.  It was someone else, someone with a voice that cut loud and sharp through the woods, and a soft southern quiver that rose up and faded away, and entranced you so that your skin tickled with shivers and your breath got caught in your throat as your chest tightened in jubilant awe at the sheer beauty of it.  And when the song concluded and he looked around, he noticed that we were all hanging blissfully onto his every word.  And it was not just us, Matty, Monster, and me.  By now, others had gathered around the young troubadour, dazed, confused, and intrigued.  He was the pied piper.  He said his name was Roy Pilgrim.  And then he played another song.

Then he played another and we were all caught under his spell.  Matt offered him a lemon brah.  He kindly declined.  Some other one offered him a beer.  It wasn't for him.  And he kept playing.  "Say, if any one a y'all wants to grab my guitar case, why, we could take this show on the road!" I happily obliged him, and no sooner had I done so, than Mr. Roy Pilgrim took to trotting on up through the meadow at a meandering little bounce-step, and like dandelion seeds we swayed by behind him.  In the haze, I remember running ahead of him and looking back from up on the hill.  He looked back up at me, smiling through the singing, and there was the purest, most primal sense of joy on his face.  He had a flock behind him.

[to be continued]

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

I Feel Like I'm Taking Crazy Pills
























How did this all come about?  How the french toast is it that my life is here, at a stand-still at 8:30p on a Saturday.  And at the same time, it's pulling at every limb, every hair follicle so that it feels like every nerve ending is engaged and firing at capacity.  My brain's running circles around particular thoughts, this supposition and that.  But I see no end, no white light down a dark corridor.  Perhaps a twinkle, but one can never be sure, especially when pessimism weighs heavy.  It's from a stark realism that I'd always sieve through the quandaries of existence through.  It catches most optimism and does away with wishful thinking.  There's a comfort in such stalwart resolve.  I attribute this agitated sense of perfectionism to exactly that.  And for this I find myself truly blessed.  It's a double-edged sword, that blessing though.  A persistence for perfection can only be ridden so far before it kicks you off to the side of the road with nothing and nobody close enough to help you up and brush the grit and dust off your back.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

On the Ferry: Harwick to Hoek van Holland





















So we get to Harwick a little early.  More specifically, when we step onto the platform at the station and go up and over the tracks and into the vast and empty gate office/waiting room, we've got roughly six hours and some change to kill before our overnight ferry to Holland begins boarding.  It's not even docked yet, and is nowhere to be seen.  Epic.

There had been a kindly old couple on the train that started small talk with us because we had funny accents and maybe we were a little loud.  Well, not so much loud as talkative, which maybe just sounded loud because it's in such contrast to the stone-wall silence that hung over the other passengers in our half-empty car.  When we had gotten on at Liverpool Station, it had been packed and as soon as our bags had found proper lodging and our bums proper seating, Grant was gone, headphones in, lights out.  Max and I spared some time to write stupid, silly things down in notebooks and on London postcards, before expiring as well, surrendered to heavy eyes and weary bodies from the day's trek; surrendered to Cat Power's soft drawl a-ramblin' in my ears, runnin' the backs of her sweet Southern fingers down, guiding the lids over my eyeballs so that the last thing I'm thinking about as conscience fades is the lengths of my unconditional love for her and the silky, deep voice she is to me in my head.  I would marry her.

And then "hey, presto" the old city's gone and it's just the gold summer seas and tree grooves waving in the wind as we fly by.  And the car's half empty and there's a kindly old couple sitting across the way from us.  He's reading the paper.  She's working needlepoint.  Grant and Max have been up for I don't know how long.    The batteries are recharged.  Slowly and surely, the excitement of our present predicament is once again shining on all our faces, and when talk turns inevitably to the World Cup and soccer matches, we've fully engaged the attentions of those weathered, fair-skinned leather faces on the other side of the walkway.

"The boys just weren't shining this year." He's gruff, but friendly.  She absolutely loves to talk to us.  They tell us stories of times before we were born, of the lands we're training through, of their children, their grandchildren, and of course, of the ole' boys from English national teams past.  They're from a small quiet town on the Channel a few stops past Harwick and they're sweethearts from the one primary school in their one-school little English town.  They've got all the charm and social etiquette that one expects from an elderly couple from Frinton.  When they talk, it's soft so that you have to lean in inquisitively just to hear their "back then" stories over the loud hum of the train rushing us through the English countryside.  It's polite and drawn out and kind of trails off at the end.  Maybe that's all it takes to sound dear and sincere.  To make all those elaborate descriptions of awe-inspiring plays on the pitch back in England's "hay-day" so real as to make one think that he'd been right there on the pitch itself.

But something told me he wasn't.  Something told me he had been at home, listening to it on the radio, sweetheart's hand in his.  And so it probably was, and as to be expected.  They've never really left Frinton, save to visit their children in London, of course.  And before they leave us out on the platform at Harwick, waving back at us, they tell us exactly what it is we might find to do in our six hour interim; nothing.  There's a quaint pub and a diner they say, two or so miles' distance from the track.  But our packs seem somehow heavier than they had in the morning, and we've had enough walking for one day anyways.

So we wait.  In the waiting room.  On the hard, hard rows of plastic and metal seats with their thin, hard, glued-on cushions that seem more aesthetic than functional.  Reading, writing, dozing off here and there, finding solace and solitude in the familiar rhythms and melodies always thrumming in my ears.  A breadth of a laugh.  It's recollection, short-term nostalgia of a year's passing, keeping one baby-toe firmly cemented in life's realities, the good and the bad, the somber and the sweet.  Songs shuffled, bitches.

Three hours to go.  We find ourselves playing a game of all-terrain, no boundaries, balled-up paper bochi ball.  Extreme Bochi Ball.  Off the walls, down the escalator, up the escalator.  Into planters, desperately nibbling at the last cliff-bar in the pack to hold us over to dinner on the Stena Hollandica.  Passengers begin to arrive, finally, just a little before the Germany-Uruguay match for third place comes on the telly.  A few more on every other train.  Then more so.  We take seats with a good angle at the TV and breath easy.  The match will take us right up to boarding time.  Germany, behind Mueller, is the dominant force throughout the game.  With Suarez out due to a red card and an ejection in the quarter-final match against Ghana, the entirety of Uruguay's offense depends on Diego Forlan, the mighty south-foot.  He's their shining light.  Our ferry arrive and passengers from Holland begin to get off.  A Balinese man and his son give me twenty euros to carry their bags over the causeway to the platform.  Always hustlin'.  We start boarding right as Forlan's free kick bounces off the crossbar.

Now I've never been on a cruise-ship before.  Maybe a ferry or two long ago when my parents would take me on road trips back and forth and all around the western United States.  Every now and again we'd have to pull that beast of a '92 Ford Aerostar onto a ferry to cross some river that was too wide or too expensive to bridge over.  Those ferries looked like ferries; an exposed deck ladled with automobiles and meandering passengers, a tower from which the pilot navigated, and maybe some conservative observation deck that looked more like a patio over the car deck.  The Stena Hollandica is no such ferry.  Having been in the waiting room for all of about six hours, we hadn't seen her come in.  Outside is dark now.  Walking up the causeway to board, we get our first sight of the mighty ship.  It's got the hull of an ocean-liner, not like those dinky barge-ferries back in the States.  I can see all the portholes lighting up from people finding their rooms up and down the side.  We keep walking along, dumbfounded, as the causeway slowly ascends parallel to the apparent luxury ferry-liner we're going to be sleeping on tonight.

At the top, we turn right and walk down a clean, varnished, stained-wood corridor.  It still has that new ferry-liner smell; can't be more than a couple years old.  The corridor's well-lit and lavish-like with lights that shine with a bright, warm-yellow glow that gives the stained wood a gold tint.  It opens up onto the main stairwell, which is much of the same, only more so.  It's brighter, warmer, more lavish, more gold.  Although starvation and dehydration may probably be contributing factors, we're quite literally taken aback by the scene before us.  People everywhere shuffling along, to their rooms, to the dining hall, to the outside deck, the television media room.  We discreetly collect ourselves and hustle off to find our rooms.  Quick work's made of dropping our bags off.  Quick showers, clean clothes.  The rooms are ship-quaint and immaculate with matching dark navy blue carpet and comforters.  Max and Grant split a bunk-bed and I take the single.  "So, uh, good call on the ferry guys."

"YUP."  We're all surprisingly chipper, considering our stomachs are panging away desperate hunger and dragging us to the mess hall.  Grub time.

I don't really remember what we have for dinner.  All I remember is inhaling it.  It's one of those food blackouts, I suppose.  Oh well, we start buying pitchers.  We'd chit-chatted with a trio of backpackers from Texas earlier in the waiting room.  Now they come to sit with us, and they start buying pitchers.  Then this Rastafarian-looking fella with dreads past his shoulders comes and sits with us.  He tells us he's from Brooklyn.  And then he starts buying pitchers.  As you can well imagine, it's a rather sloppy, slap-happy sort of night.  We play hockey and quarters and pitcher after pitcher falls by the wayside.  A short, rather promiscuous looking girl from the cockney side of London finds a seat between Max and I.  And she starts buying pitchers.  It's not too long before she's showing us the Green Day song tattooed on her back, three verses, chorus, and all.  What song is it?  I don't know.  Who cares.  It's a Green Day song, and it's tattooed on her back in that trite tattoo cursive that people get song quotes in.  Shoulder-blades to the small of her back, covered in it.  Epic.  They stop serving alcohol at 2:00, but by that time it doesn't matter.  We're all smashed.  Max sits in on a couple hands of blackjack at the table by the smoking room.  We smoke our remaining weed out of an apple outside on the deck with our newly found high school clique.  A few shady looking strangers appear out of the shadows and smoke us out too.  We talk about where we're each from and the World Cup and Amsterdam and about music.  Our dread-locked companion, who also happens to be studying engineering at Harvard raps freestyle for about ten minutes.  It's incredible, and that's not just the booze and the weed talking.  The man's got a real talent for stringing together words off the top of his head.  There's a certain command of the English language present and a quickness of mind that proves his Harvard caliber to me.  It's a thing disguised to the world under the generic identity of a pot-head Rastafarian.  And that's the best thing about knowing him, I think.  But hey, what do I know?  I'm high.

Around 4:00, eyes heavy, we bid each other adieu, promising to meet up in the morning when we get to the Hook.  The Green Day pixie coincidentally has a room right across the hall from ours, but nothing came of it.  She just hugs each of us in the hallway, squeezing tight before saying goodnight.  And when she turns to closed the door, she chances a glance at each of us in our respective rooms looking back, and there's a glint from the fire of a drunk passion in her eyes.  What a fucking night.