With a cautious air, I will now tell you all the fears that sit, with standing room only, inside the affairs of my heart. I will try to lay them all out in a slow sad parade that everyone knows to be so, but no one's come to see, and I'll try to make something more of it.
Is that possible?
First and foremost, no writer am I. To be sure no fame shall ever come to me. Age and my eyes reading other's words, and this depressing dirigible of sickness presiding over my head have taught me this simple fact: there is truly mad and mind deafening genius out there, not all alive, but they persist on in their works. And then's there's me here on the magical isle of all things just trying to reach up and touch their reflections in the mirror sky. There's no greatness in me. Not now. Now there is only a joint-aching and heavy-eyed defeat.
Across the world there are the vast oceans, et moi, I am not the great whale or the shark, or the luxury cruise-liner or the navy's aircraft carrier. Non, pour moi, c'est la vie de l'eau. One drop. One crystalline tear shape that falls in and is forgotten.
But a weak smile dawns as I look out to that blue horizon, just past the red tile and spires and strange curlicues of Balinese roofs, and I see what I guess to myself that everyone sees. The water, sure, some see the sea turtles and the killer whales and the little orange Nemo fish. And sure, some see that all-inclusive getaway, and I'm sure there's much more. But no matter who, I'm sure everyone sees that mighty blue. That drip-drip-drop. The water.
I'm no the big fish, but in that magnitude, the vastness and the might and the power, they see me, and what I write makes sense to them somehow. Then what's greatness but just a swell stacked in the distance coming towards us.
After all, it comes in waves they say.
The second fear is simple: She doesn't love me. Not much to that one really. She's too good, and me, well, I'm me.
And that's it. Those are them, as the lazy would say. It's a two-seated affair, my heart. Everything else in life is leaning on the walls or the railing for the show.
